The Power of the Dark Sigh

The setup speaks for itself.

With apologies to Adam Huber, of course. But come on, in a marketplace thriving on bad puns, how can anyone resist that kind of temptation? Just click, damn it. Do you feel lucky? Oh, right. Wrong film. Do not underestimate the power of the dark sigh.

• “The Empire Talks Smack”, 9 May 2016

• “The Empire Talks Smack — Part II”, 10 May 2016

• “The Empire Talks Smack — Part III”, 11 May 2016

• “The Empire Talks Smack — Part IV”, 12 May 2016

• “The Empire Talks Smack — Part V”, 13 May 2016

We will, of course, update as remaining installments post. (Promises, promises.)

(Wow, we actually remembered to update a post. Yes, it’s surprising. Yes, that’s pathetic. Leave it alone, smackhead.)

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Image note: Detail of Bug Martini by Adam Huber, 11 May 2016. Modified w/apologies, of course.

The Requisite Post About That Movie

I did, in fact, see the film last night; Star Wars: The Force Awakens is unquestionably a marked improvement over the infamous episodes 1-3, though all I might say in specific review is that I am not ready to echo a friend who declared that Star Wars is back. Nonetheless, it was indeed better than I expected.

Meanwhile, a bit of something interesting, as Melissa Dahl at Science of Us explains why BB-8, the strangely adorable white and orange droid capturing consumers’ hearts everywhere, is “basically the textbook definition of cute”.

What is it about BB-8 that makes it so freaking cute? As it turns out, the little robot is practically a textbook example of Kindchenschema, or baby schema, the reigning theory describing just what features it takes to make someone or something appear adorable. This is something that scientists have been theorizing about since at least the 1940s, when ethologist Konrad Lorenz introduced the concept in a landmark paper.In his words — quoted later in an essay by popular science writer Stephen Jay Gould — for a creature to be considered cute, it must have the following: “a relatively large head … large and low-lying eyes, bulging cheek region, short and thick extremities … and clumsy movements.”

BB-8 nails every one of these characteristics. Its “head” is relatively large in proportion to its spherical “body,” and its “eye” — the black eyepiece, rather — is also pretty huge when compared to the size of the head. The area surrounding either side of the eyepiece bulge out like chubby cheeks, and while it doesn’t exactly have extremities, its rounded lower half definitely adds to the chubby effect. When it moves, it bobs and wobbles a bit as it rolls, making it look a little bit clumsy. In short, it’s got everything required to be scientifically classified as a total cutie pie.

Which sounds about right.

However, I would note BB-8 is also incredibly impractical. Honestly, its appearance is one suggesting marketplace novelty, as if people in that galaxy far, far away, who had already mastered gravity only recently figured out some notion of maglev. This thing is rolling around in a desert and apparently suffers no ill effects of sand. The upshot, of course, would involve a counterspoiler, but if you simply don’t think about it too hard, and attend the script by Lawrence Kasdan and J. J. Abrams, there is at least one occasion that … well, something about predictability goes here. And expectation. And seeing the joke coming only raises expectations. We will get a payoff on this point sometime during the new trilogy. Rather, we should. It really does seem inevitable, so the only remaining question is a matter of execution, and if they cannot pull it off we will know they have failed.

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Image note: BB-8, impractical as can be, but cute as anything. Detail of image by Lucasfilm.

Dahl, Melissa. “BB-8 Is Basically the Textbook Definition of Cute”. Science of Us. 17 December 2015.

The Bug Side of the Force

Believe it or not, this one doesn’t actually go downhill from here. Adam pulls it out; it gets better―if, you know, better is a word used here to mean mildly less creepy.

Okay, that’s not fair. Considerably less creepy.

What? This is Star Wars we’re talking about, here.

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Image note: Kids ― Detail of Bug Martini by Adam Huber, 14 December 2015.

What Bugs a Sith Lord

Two words: Darth Bug.

Two more: Adam Huber.

Or maybe I should have gone with, Bug Martini.

Bug Vader?

Pfft. Whatever. You know what I mean.

Oh, c’mon, dude. Really. You know what I mean.

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Huber, Adam. “The Phantom Presence”. Bug Martini. 23 June 2015.

Dangerous

You don’t know the power of the Dark Side … do you?

Nor does Adam, it seems.

Oh, come on! Tell me this isn’t a dangerous endeavor, I dare you! All the potential crash and burn of your nastiest NASCAR fantasy, and nobody has to die, and it’s not NASCAR so that’s okay. But tell me you’re not curious. Of the myriad manners by which this can go buggy, how can you not want to be there to witness the moment some disaster falls into and then leaps out of the frame?

Or, you know, who knows? Maybe it won’t be a complete disaster.

Nobody says cartooning is easy.

We might also reflect on the proposition that this is not the worst Star Wars joke I’ve encountered in recent days. Let that say what it will.

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Huber, Adam. “A New Dope”. Bug Martini. 4 May 2015.

Benen, Steve. “The force is not strong with this one”. msnbc. 4 May 2015.

A Post in Need of a Title

Okay, I burned up all my bad suggestions for what to call that drink, though I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to have the word “Startini” in it. Yeah, that’s how bad my riffs were.

One thing I cannot stress enough, however―though it seems Adam already understands―is that it really helps to include an awesome panel with an image that can easily be lifted, which in turn makes it easy for people like us to fill our blogs with quick-hit posts that bring the artists some measure of free advertising.

Nonetheless, we might be looking at a requisite t-shirt.

And you know what that would mean, right?

A Doctor Who mashup, of course, from those folks who can’t help but litter social media with all sorts of not-quite imaginitive crossovers even more predictable than Adam’s title puns.

Not that I’m criticizing the puns. It’s a comedic form that is dying in the new age of thoroughly disconnected irrelevance about our increasingly connected human endeavor.

I mean, think of it this way: If you absolutely had to choose, would you prefer Bug Martini for the whole of eternity, or a replay of Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s film career?

That’s what I thought.

Sure, the former California governor has The Terminator, but Adam has the bit about Switzerland. And plenty of fallback material. Where does Schwarzeneggar go next? The Last Action Hero? Oh, wait, I know: Commando.

Oh. Damn. That’s right: Twins.

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Huber, Adam. “I Got a Drone to Pick”. Bug Martini. 8 April 2015.

—————. “Why I Love Switzerland”. 26 March 2015.

An Example There Being No Such Thing as Bad News

One might note that it is getting to the point that one needs no longer watch the actual advert in order to know how the movie goes.

Or is that joke too obscure by a generation?

(Detail of Mary Death by Matt Tarpley, 2 December 2014.)

FOX News and World Domination

An American jihad would embrace the correct belief that if every nation on earth were governed by freely elected leaders and by our Constitution, the world would be a far better place. And an American jihad would not only hope for this outcome, but work toward it.

―Keith Ablow

Is there a doctor in the house? No, no, Mr. Ablow, not you. A real doctor.

A nagging whisper at the back of pretty much any politically aware American’s mind is the question of what point would mark the unmistakable, irrevocable transition of the American Dream from a shining city on the hill to an empire akin to Coruscant. And while there are plenty who would denounce the demonstrable aspects of imperialism in American society and governance, one might be tempted to wonder if maybe, just maybe, the solution isn’t to throw down and go full Palpatine.

Just sayin’.

An Exorcism: I Read It, So You Must, Too

To the one, trivia can be fun.

To the other, it is occasionally a bit unsettling that, well, right. I mean, somebody had to write it down.

Consider it this way: Todd Van Luling’s HuffPo article about “5 Plot Holes You Never Noticed In ‘Star Wars'” is, in its own way, kind of fascinating. Sure, it’s pedantically snobby, and presumes Star Wars viewers are complete morons, but it is not an endeavor without merit. The amount of work it takes to fill the column inches trying to make this sort of stuff sound intellectual complicated should not be understated.

Or perhaps that isn’t fair; those of us who have had the whole thirty-seven years to watch and dream about these films until we’re sick of them are accustomed to this sort of trivial addiction. You know, like that one kid we all knew who collected everything Star Wars, and then used his collection to pay for college. Oh, wait, actually that was kind of smart. Never mind.

But for the youngest generation, who arrived after the prequel trilogy, this stuff might be news. After all, they weren’t there to hear everyone grumbling about the lack of continuity between the two episode blocs as they walked back to their cars after the show.

Then again, in this economy, with a jobless recovery, who can blame a guy for taking what work he can get?

Again, that is probably unfair. But articles like these always recall a curious episode from over a decade ago, before CNN Headline News became the HLN monstrosity you find playing on the flatscreens in a bourgeois McDonald’s. Late autumn, 2003 or so. There’s a war on. The phrase, “I died a little inside”, had not yet risen to fashionable heights. Or maybe it had. A new young reporter gets his first big shot on the air, and he’s stuck doing a report on which sweaters will look best on your small dog during the Christmas season. Which, in turn, is enough to inspire a recollection of the old Wayne Cotter joke about masturbating a fish.^α

We should probably take it easy on Van Luling. To the one, it’s a job. To the other, yeah, it’s also just a bit creepy. Flip a coin.

Our apologies, though, Mr. Van Luling. And, honestly? If you can explain to me why anyone in the Universe would wear their hair like Leia’s, that would be a piece of trivia worth more than a Claven on a barstool.^β

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^α What, you want trivia? Find that joke. It’s sublime.

^β It’s called mixing metaphors, an exercise that, as this example shows, should be undertaken with great caution, and only under extremely necessary circumstances. Otherwise it ends up looking like that.

Van Luling, Todd. “5 Plot Holes You Never Noticed In ‘Star Wars'”. The Huffington Post. 21 October 2014.

Something You Shouldn’t Read at Work

Okay, look, middle age is what it is. And with many things, it really is true that it’s not how old you are but how not old you feel.

And, yet …

… I must be getting old, despite refusing to grow up.

I mean, I’m pretty sure Erika Moen’s flip-hole cartoon^† is genuinely funny, but … why am I not laughing?

I mean, really, even the gratuitous New Hope joke just isn’t moving me the way it should.

I’m guessing there is a matter of perspective involved that I’m just missing. Like Wooderson raving about his car. That is, if you don’t get the underlying trope, you won’t understand why the joke is funny.

Still, though, we cannot forget the tireless dedication of our comic artists. The amount of thought and effort that goes into a joke like that is both incalculable and just a bit scary.

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^† TURD: NSFW.