A Note on Why the Internet Goes to Hell When It Dies

[#nevermind]

The Internet—(no, I do not like Capitalizing the Word)—sees fit to inform me that—

In 2009, Eminem tweeted proof that he scored 465,800 in Donkey Kong, making him one of the highest scorers in the world.

(via Salon.com; #nevermind)

—and no, it is true I did not know this before; nor is it clear how I should feel about this information. No, seriously, other than the fact that some editor somewhere saw fit to include a trivial widget to tell me stuff like this, I had precisely no reason to care.

Meanwhile, something, something, and now for something completely different.   

Hey, how about this: If I blame Tom Clancy, how fucking smart are you?

All Fun and Games Until … You Know, Never Mind

Yeah, you know … this can’t possibly end well.

Homer Simpson trivia is now in effect. Never mind.

So is the best bad pun you’re going to find all year.

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Huber, Adam. “The Friend Is Not Mightier Than the Sword”. Bug Martini. 28 October 2015.

An Exorcism: I Read It, So You Must, Too

To the one, trivia can be fun.

To the other, it is occasionally a bit unsettling that, well, right. I mean, somebody had to write it down.

Consider it this way: Todd Van Luling’s HuffPo article about “5 Plot Holes You Never Noticed In ‘Star Wars'” is, in its own way, kind of fascinating. Sure, it’s pedantically snobby, and presumes Star Wars viewers are complete morons, but it is not an endeavor without merit. The amount of work it takes to fill the column inches trying to make this sort of stuff sound intellectual complicated should not be understated.

Or perhaps that isn’t fair; those of us who have had the whole thirty-seven years to watch and dream about these films until we’re sick of them are accustomed to this sort of trivial addiction. You know, like that one kid we all knew who collected everything Star Wars, and then used his collection to pay for college. Oh, wait, actually that was kind of smart. Never mind.

But for the youngest generation, who arrived after the prequel trilogy, this stuff might be news. After all, they weren’t there to hear everyone grumbling about the lack of continuity between the two episode blocs as they walked back to their cars after the show.

Then again, in this economy, with a jobless recovery, who can blame a guy for taking what work he can get?

Again, that is probably unfair. But articles like these always recall a curious episode from over a decade ago, before CNN Headline News became the HLN monstrosity you find playing on the flatscreens in a bourgeois McDonald’s. Late autumn, 2003 or so. There’s a war on. The phrase, “I died a little inside”, had not yet risen to fashionable heights. Or maybe it had. A new young reporter gets his first big shot on the air, and he’s stuck doing a report on which sweaters will look best on your small dog during the Christmas season. Which, in turn, is enough to inspire a recollection of the old Wayne Cotter joke about masturbating a fish.^α

We should probably take it easy on Van Luling. To the one, it’s a job. To the other, yeah, it’s also just a bit creepy. Flip a coin.

Our apologies, though, Mr. Van Luling. And, honestly? If you can explain to me why anyone in the Universe would wear their hair like Leia’s, that would be a piece of trivia worth more than a Claven on a barstool.^β

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^α What, you want trivia? Find that joke. It’s sublime.

^β It’s called mixing metaphors, an exercise that, as this example shows, should be undertaken with great caution, and only under extremely necessary circumstances. Otherwise it ends up looking like that.

Van Luling, Todd. “5 Plot Holes You Never Noticed In ‘Star Wars'”. The Huffington Post. 21 October 2014.