middle age

Solvent and … er … No, I’m Not Doing the Mugwort Joke

[#dontask]

A doll's work never ends. July (c.), with Kiko Kyanauma (r.) and friend, in Darker Than Black: Gemini of the Meteor episode 9, 'They Met One Day, unexpectedly ...'.

This is not really a note about middle age and being completely detached from my cohort, but, sure, it can feel like it. In my life and times, “Goop” is this stuff you find in auto garages and other places people handle motor parts with oil and grease all over them; you clean your hands with it, and seems a better option than dipping your hands in a tub of solvents, which people probably still do. I saw the logo on a restroom accessory not long ago; in truth, it was only significant enough to note, remarkable enough to be fulfilled in remarking upon it, because I don’t spend a lot of time cleaning auto parts, and only ever see the stuff when wandering through a store looking for motor oil or a light bulb.

All of which, of course, means I had no idea what the headline meant: “The 23 Most Ridiculous Moments in Goop History, Ranked”:

What began nearly ten years ago as actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly newsletter of various rich-people frivolities has morphed into a full-fledged lifestyle and “wellness” empire, doling out dubious health advice, selling $15,000 vibrators, and generally enraging scientists and people who aren’t a part of the one percent. Most recently, the watchdog group Truth in Advertising filed a formal complaint asking regulators to look into the company.

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Buglife

Detail of 'Bug Martini' by Adam Huber, 22 February 2016.To the one, jokes about the ravages of age, generally speaking, and the horror of middle age more particularly, are proverbial low-hanging fruit, and, sure you’re welcome to do a testicle joke, here.

Oh, right. Low-hanging fruit. Adam Huber. But, you know, no testicle joke.

Just, you know, a bug swallowing an ice tray.

Oh, wait. That’s not right. Besides, does anybody under forty know what an ice tray is?

Never mind. Something about a bag of party ice would be pushing it. But, yeah, there is this weird time in memory, between ice trays and ice makers, when everyone seemed to have a bag of ice in their freezer. Oh, right. And sixteen random cooler packs, none of which matched the cooler they actually hauled out when occasion demanded.

Because the one reliable thing about middle age is that it leaves you feeling like a ranting old fart.

Goddamn cooler pack landfill nightmares.

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Image note: Lordy, Lordy ― Detail of Bug Martini by Adam Huber, 22 February 2016.

Middle Age

Detail of 'Bug Martini' by Adam Huber, 17 March 2015.In the Beginning, God created Adam, and probably should have learned His lesson.

Okay, that doesn’t really make sense, but there really isn’t any proper way to panic at the idea that our Bug Martini idolatry is slipping.

Then again, what is he gonna do, a drive-by shooting with silly flag pistols? Hell hath no fury quite so hilarious as a cartoonist scorned, or, at the very least, forgotten for a day or two because there was all sorts of other crap going on.

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Huber, Adam. “The Good, the Bad, and the Oldie”. Bug Martini. 17 March 2015.

A Middle-Aged Reflection on Closeteering

Briefers Rock, from 'Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt'.

“A-ha! Shoot! Let’s get this thing started!”

TeddyLoid

The simplest way to explain it is that you never quite know when the difference is going to bitch-slap you with a fleshy truncheon.

Or was that a little much?

Once upon a time, everything about the song would have annoyed me, especially that pretentious voice absolutely dominating the back end of the track.

And now?

Well, yeah. Okay, that’s sexy.

Something You Shouldn’t Read at Work

N....S....F....WOkay, look, middle age is what it is. And with many things, it really is true that it’s not how old you are but how not old you feel.

And, yet …

… I must be getting old, despite refusing to grow up.

I mean, I’m pretty sure Erika Moen’s flip-hole cartoon is genuinely funny, but … why am I not laughing?

I mean, really, even the gratuitous New Hope joke just isn’t moving me the way it should.

I’m guessing there is a matter of perspective involved that I’m just missing. Like Wooderson raving about his car. That is, if you don’t get the underlying trope, you won’t understand why the joke is funny.

Still, though, we cannot forget the tireless dedication of our comic artists. The amount of thought and effort that goes into a joke like that is both incalculable and just a bit scary.

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TURD: NSFW.