paraphilia

The Girl with the Clown’s Face

Detail of 'Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal' by Zach Weiner, 13 July 2015.Something about implications goes here.

When I was young, a distant relative explained why her three year-old daughter didn’t like Sesame Street―clowns frightened the child. It was the first time I’d ever heard of such a thing, but in later years a joke would emerge; it turns out the young lady was hardly alone in her fear of clowns.

This is not quite the same thing.

Still, though, Zach Weiner’s latest is actually kind of frightening.

Well, you know. If you stop and think about it.

How ’bout this? Don’t think about it.

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Weiner, Zach. “Pix”. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. 13 July 2015.

Your Republican Party (Crankin’ Out the Votes Edition)

The eyes of a paraphiliac.

At first it sounds like a joke.Crankin' with the Cross!

Jordan D. Haskins, candidate for Michigan Legislature, wants everyone to know conservatives embrace imperfect people, too. So let him explain his multiple felony convictions for breaking into government vehicles, disconnecting the sparkplugs, and jerking off while the engines cranked.

Weinstein

But it’s not:

Haskins’ break-ins were often tied to an arguably bizarre sexual fetish called “cranking.” When he broke into vehicles, Haskins would disconnect the ignition wires and re-start the engine while masturbating, police reports show. In an unrelated report by The Independent, Susan Block, Ph.D., a featured sexologist on HBO’s “Real Sex” and “Cathouse” explained the fetish by saying, “[t]he ‘vroom’ of the engine reminds [men] of their own libidos being revved up by this hot woman.”

Haskins says he hopes voters can see he’s evolved. “Those are things that haunt me to this day,” Haskins told MLive. “I’m just trying to move on from that and do what I can.”

Thomas

Ladies and gentlemen, your Republican Party.

It should also be noted that if we take Mr. Haskins at his word, he cured his paraphilia by finding a new passion, conservative politics.

Yes, really. Write your own damn punch line.

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Weinstein, Adam. “GOP Hopeful: My Public Masturbation Fetish and Felonies Were Bad Ideas”. Gawker. 27 June 2014.

Thomas, Emily. “GOP Candidate Jordan Haskins Wants Voters To Forgive His Criminal And Sexual Fetish Past”. The Huffington Post. 27 June 2014.

The Fury of the Furry

Over at The Onion, they’re probably banging their heads against the wall. It is axiomatic that truth is stranger than fiction because fiction is expected to make sense. Of course, I doubt Twain ever conceived of “The Celebrated Muff-Diving Panda of Washington County”.

Oh, right. Truth. Stranger than fiction.

If the idea of Dick Armey staging an armed coup at the Tea Party PAC’s headquarters seemed strange enough, it pales by comparison to the latest details about the astroturf giant’s troubles. David Corn’s headline for Mother Jones makes it obvious that what follows is, well, unsettling to say the least:

FreedomWorks Made Video of Fake Giant Panda Having Sex With Fake Hillary Clinton

And the detail:

An internal investigation of FreedomWorks—the prominent conservative advocacy group and super-PAC—has focused on president Matt Kibbe’s management of the organization, his use of its resources, and a controversial book deal he signed, according to former FreedomWorks officials who have met with the private lawyers conducting the probe. One potential topic for the inquiry is a promotional video produced last year under the supervision of Adam Brandon, executive vice president of the group and a Kibbe loyalist. The video included a scene in which a female intern wearing a panda suit simulates performing oral sex on Hillary Clinton.

Had enough, yet?

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