Michigan 95th LD

Your Republican Party (Crankin’ Out the Votes Edition)

The eyes of a paraphiliac.

At first it sounds like a joke.Crankin' with the Cross!

Jordan D. Haskins, candidate for Michigan Legislature, wants everyone to know conservatives embrace imperfect people, too. So let him explain his multiple felony convictions for breaking into government vehicles, disconnecting the sparkplugs, and jerking off while the engines cranked.

Weinstein

But it’s not:

Haskins’ break-ins were often tied to an arguably bizarre sexual fetish called “cranking.” When he broke into vehicles, Haskins would disconnect the ignition wires and re-start the engine while masturbating, police reports show. In an unrelated report by The Independent, Susan Block, Ph.D., a featured sexologist on HBO’s “Real Sex” and “Cathouse” explained the fetish by saying, “[t]he ‘vroom’ of the engine reminds [men] of their own libidos being revved up by this hot woman.”

Haskins says he hopes voters can see he’s evolved. “Those are things that haunt me to this day,” Haskins told MLive. “I’m just trying to move on from that and do what I can.”

Thomas

Ladies and gentlemen, your Republican Party.

It should also be noted that if we take Mr. Haskins at his word, he cured his paraphilia by finding a new passion, conservative politics.

Yes, really. Write your own damn punch line.

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Weinstein, Adam. “GOP Hopeful: My Public Masturbation Fetish and Felonies Were Bad Ideas”. Gawker. 27 June 2014.

Thomas, Emily. “GOP Candidate Jordan Haskins Wants Voters To Forgive His Criminal And Sexual Fetish Past”. The Huffington Post. 27 June 2014.

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