The Ted Cruz Show (Holiday Special)

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) responds to the 2015 State of the Union address in an online video, 20 January 2015.

Amid the holiday panic and cheer it is easy for small things to slip past unnoticed. Like, say, on Christmas Eve, when Ellie Shechet informed us that, “This Ted Cruz Holiday Erotica Is Fucking Weird”.

And, you know, I see no reason to doubt her. And the Bulwer-Lytton moment with a head of lettuce should have been enough of a specimen to make the point, but why stop reading? Shechet offers her critique of the first paragraphs:

This is an extremely strong and promising beginning. The setting: Ted Cruz’s retirement party, after which he believes he will be leaving political office. IRL, I have a creeping feeling that our pal Ted would push me, you, and all of his loved ones into a hole in a frozen lake and sprint away before relinquishing one inch of his extremely unlikely and hard-earned influence, but this is fan fic! We are going with it.

Right. Downhill from there. All that.

To the other, why wouldn’t Shechet keep going? How often does one get to write such sentences and paragraphs?

I’m not sure that Ted Cruz has ever actually, in his own mind, thought frat-tastic phrases such as “bone zone”; seems more likely that he overhears such slang somewhere and says it over and over and over again in front of a mirror so he can sound convincing just in case a man tries to be friends with him someday, but again, we’re going with it.

There is a rape joke in the story, but, you know, it’s porn (ahem!) erotica, so what the hell is new, there? Something about an oyster exchange goes here, as does bowel dysfunction and, in a vulnerable moment, Karl Rove. And something about a glory hole. Or, as Schechet explains:

From this point on, the story is almost impossible to explain. Basically, Ted Cruz has to stick his dick into a glory hole a bunch of times to be transported into another dimension so a series of talking birds can fly him around Washington and show him his past, present, and future, in which Chelsea Clinton is crowned Queen, Obamacare is mandatory, and everyone is Muslim.

Right. We thank Ellie Schechet for reading the story, that you or I don’t really need to; to the other, perhaps part of what is going on here is the idea of satirical porn erotica, a parody of erotic fan fiction. After all, this is Ted Cruz we’re talking about, here; the guy is pretty much a parody of himself.

One question remains, though. If this Ted Cruz holiday erotica is fucking weird, the question naturally arises: Compared to what?

I mean, really, sincerely: We thank Elie Shechet for reading the story, that you or I don’t need to. Still, though, just how much Ted Cruz erotica, holiday or otherwise, is she surveying?

This Ted Cruz holiday erotica? What about that Ted Cruz holiday erotica?

In truth, the question is probably best left unanswered.


Shechet, Ellie. “This Ted Cruz Holiday Erotica Is Fucking Weird”. The Slot. 24 December 2015.

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