You probably don’t want to know.
Except you know you do, don’t you?
Mmm. Naughty, naughty.
It’s okay. You can blame Adam.
Image note: Detail of Bug Martini by Adam Huber, 6 September 2016.
xkcd #1680, ladies and gentlemen, by Randall Munroe. You’ll have to click to find out what else it does.
Homer Simpson trivia is now in effect. Never mind.
So is the best bad pun you’re going to find all year.
Huber, Adam. “The Friend Is Not Mightier Than the Sword”. Bug Martini. 28 October 2015.
Over the years, one constant is that American conservatives have some of the best potential to actually, genuinely surprise me. In a way, this is predictable; if we suggest it is not simply the positions they hold―e.g., a diverse range of prioritized supremacism―but also the severity and desperation, it only makes sense that it would be conservatives offending me, as there are very few liberal advocates of white, Christian, male, heterosexual supremacism. That sort of thing.
But it happens in other ways, too. Imagine an accurate description of George W. Bush’s presidency, offered as a prognostication the night he was elected. And think of it this way, too―it’s not just the wars. Consider: Vice President Cheney will craft energy policy in secret meetings with people who wreck the energy industry, and then claim executive privilege to hide that record from public scrutiny until it is time to surrender those materials to the National Archives, whereupon he will claim to be part of the Legislative branch of government. Back then, it would have seemed a wild claim. Not that a vice president would hold secret policy meetings and try to hide the record, but to suggest Mr. Cheney would be so damnably stupid as to hide behind executive privilege and then claim to not be part of the executive branch―both claims regarding the same issue―would have seemed an insulting condemnation of his character and intellect alike.
Then again, by the time the Bush/Cheney administration was finished, nothing really seemed surprising, did it?
What about the Speakership of John Boehner?
When he took the gavel, would any of us have imagined this end? What would it have sounded like to predict the worst speakership in the history of the nation? What would people have said of purported clairvoyance spinning tales of such incredible incompetence? Here, try this one: No, we don’t want the President to use his executive authority on immigration; I have a bill. No, we can’t pass our bill; I guess the President will have to use his executive authority. No, the President should not have used his executive authority; we will find a way to sue him in order to stop him.α
How about Tuesday?
No, really, I made a joke. It wasn’t a good joke; it was an obvious joke about a House Republican Conference so fractious and intractable that the Speaker of the House could not actually manage to do anything useful. And it is a House Republican Conference so fractious and intractable that we now get to find out whether or not Speaker Boehner is capable of merely resigning properly.
Boehner said in a statement that he’ll continue to serve as speaker until the House selects someone to replace him. “We will announce the date for this election at a later date, and I’m confident we will elect a new Speaker in the coming weeks. Our conference will work together to ensure we have the strongest team possible as we continue to focus on the American people’s priorities,” said the Ohio lawmaker.
This is really happening.
α And we’re still waiting for the lawsuit, as I recall.
Frumin, Aliyah. “Kevin McCarthy abruptly drops House speaker bid, race postponed”. msnbc. 8 October 2015.
And there is no way you could have predicted that simile, except perhaps in the sense of a general classification; you knew it was going to be bad.
Huber, Adam. “Shot Through the Heart”. Bug Martini. 9 December 2014.
Huber, Adam. “Scared to Beth”. Bug Martini. 21 November 2014.
Daniel Tepfer, bad pun and all:
Turns out a local man, who claimed he was the victim of a shooting by a Bridgeport gang, actually made poor choice of having a loaded gun in his waistband while out bicycling.
But Wendell Docteur’s poor choice has turned out to be a prescription for jail time.
On Thursday, the 22-year-old Docteur, of Hollister Street, was charged with making a false statement, unlawful discharge of a firearm and failure to report a lost firearm.
The moral of the story seems pretty obvious:
Police said Docteur told them he had been out riding his bicycle on California Street when he was confronted by a half dozen men, dressed all in black with hooded sweatshirts covering their faces.
He said the men demanded his money and then shot him. As they fled they yelled, “North End, North End,” which Docteur told police he took to mean they were a gang from the North End of Bridgeport ….
… Despite insisting he was shot at, police said they could only find a bullet exit hole from his pants.
When they confronted Docteur with this discrepancy, they said he admitted he had accidentally shot himself while riding.
Although Docteur has a pistol permit, police said he couldn’t account for the handgun he had shot himself with.
Between the notions of a black dude in a hooded sweatshirt and anyone with a gun, it seems pretty clear whose presence requires prejudicial caution.