A Distasteful Consideration

Perennial loser and professional bigot, Alan Keyes, in uncredited photo.

So I happened to mention Alan Keyes recently, which would seem to be about as big a mistake as you might imagine, but in the end it’s not that it got me to thinking. Rather, there was a reason Mr. Keyes was already on my mind, and that, of course, is about as big a mistake as you might imagine. That is to say, the less reason we have to think of Alan Keyes, the better. Meanwhile, Curtis M. Wong valiantly attempts to explain the latest stupidity for the Huffington Post:

Three-time Republican presidential hopeful Alan Keyes made a bizarre link between same-sex marriage and climate change in a fiery conference speech last month.

Keyes, who ran for president in 1996, 2000 and 2008 and also challenged Barack Obama for an Illinois Senate seat in 2004, argued that those in the “‘global climatological change movement,’ or whatever they’re calling it these days” should oppose same-sex marriage.

Like climate change, marriage equality threatens to destroy humanity, he said in statements made at the “Crimes Against Nature and the Constitution: Cultural Marxism and America’s Moral Collapse” event in Washington, D.C. on April 21, Right Wing Watch first reported.

He asked the crowd, “If we all woke up tomorrow morning and decided that our sexual preference is homosexual [and] we shall have nothing to do with the opposite sex, would you like to tell me what would happen to the human race thereafter?”

He then noted that, like climate change, “extinction might still be involved” if everyone were to be gay.

It would seem similarly ill-advised to start with the obvious, but if our species ever actually achieves one hundred percent strict homosexuality, we would deserve to be extinct. Honestly, sometimes it seems as if the organizing principle of conservative argument is that if you throw enough stupid components into the mix, some will slip through unnoticed, and for a brief while you get to pretend you made a point, and then be doubly offended later when you learn you’re still completely full of excrement.

It’s like the weird bit about compulsory same-sex marriage; we verge into the realm of Poe’s Law, wondering if it is possible someone actually believes their own argument.

So let us start with this: Just how the fuck is it going to turn out that everyone is fucking gay?

I mean, I hate to start with the obvious. Or finish with the obvious. Or focus so exclusively the obvious. But what the fuck, you know? I need Alan Keyes to explain to me just how the fuck he believes his own fucking bullshit.


Wong, Curtis M. “Former GOP Presidential Hopeful Alan Keyes Likens Gay Marriage To Climate Change In That Both Destroy Humanity”. The Huffington Post. 5 May 2015.

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