A Conservative Malady

Is there any sight in the world that could possibly compare to a diva pitching a blind ego tantrum?

Mr. Bill has been dismayed by the relentless barrage of homosexicans cramming gay marriage down supple Christian throats, and the unstoppable onslaught being waged against our nation’s brave bigot bakers.

Our valiant warrior for Christ has decided to take a stand, but not a stand in the way that a normal, constructive human being would do. Rather, he is taking a stand in the same way that those college Republicans do all the time with their racist bake sales: by being a spiteful prick.

In an effort to prove that the gays are just as hateful as Christians and therefore QED ispo facto it’s totally cool to not let them have rights, Mr. Bill has filed a discrimination complaint against a Denver baker who denied him his civil rights of having “God Hates Gays” on a cake.

Or so explains Fare la Volpe explains for Wonkette, and you know, we might pause to wonder about that tendency among conservatives to go around pitching this sort of fit and simply failing to comprehend the difference.

Conservative Accommodation PlacardSo, this is my offer: Tell you what: We’ll give you what you want. You can be just as big a social disease as you want. But there’s a trade-out. To make certain people aren’t abusing the priviliges, we’ll need to create a registry. Just bring evidence that you are a registered Republican, and we will give you a placard, you know, blue with a little white wheelchair on it. And being dangerously, comedically stupid will be the special accommodation you get for admitting you have to be psychiatrically disabled in order to believe the crap you’re pushing.

No, seriously, what else are we supposed to do with such regular examples of where conservatives’ heads are at?

Take, for example, our friend Thomasson, creator of SaveCalifornia.com (save it from bonin’) and leader of the Campaign for Children and Families (seriously, if you wanna start a hate group, just add the word “Family” in your title and you’re gold). Randy is feeling more than a bit a-skeered of the tidal wave of legally monogamous buttsex rolling across this great land. He’s so a-skeered, in fact, that he’s ready to use some of Sharron Angle’s second amendment remedies to do something about it. This will go well.

In a letter issued to other “Pro-Family” leaders (read: Pro-only-the-families-we-like leaders), Randy expressed his concern with the crisis of homosexual “marriages” (scare quotes his) occurring in states where it’s still illegal. But Randy has found a solution! It’s simple: We’ll kill the Batman shoot the gay couples!

Each governor is authorized to call out his/her state’s militia or National Guard to enforce written laws and maintain public order against foreign and domestic enemies.

This is the point where, “I’m a comedy writer”, and, “I’m a reporter covering Christian affairs for a political news outlet”, start to seem synonymous.

Still, though, just how much attention do we really want to give this kind of idiocy? We know these people exist in society, and it’s not like we can just ignore them; what if they’re crossing the street?

When I was young there was often a weird sort of hostility toward “feelgood” awards; you know, ribbons and prizes for something other than a footrace or a jumping the farthest or being the strongest physical specimen in the cohort. Things like citizenship and literacy. For some reason it seems not at all surprising that it is voices from this same sector that always worried about whether society was hurting their children by “lowering the bar” actually need the bar lowered in order to find a seat at the table.

Stupid and self-righteous is no way to go through life, but hey, at least they’re not so faithless as Archbishop Thomas Wenski, the guy who thinks offending Jesus is still synonymous with offending Catholic doctrine. Hint for Archbishop Knucklenuts: God pulled the exclusivity contract centuries ago. You know, something called the Reformation? Get over it.

After all, nor is faithless any proper condition for a purported man of God.


La Volpe, Fare. “Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way”. Wonkette. 22 January 2015.

————. “National Guard Should Shoot Gay Couples In The Face, Politely Requests Homophobe”. Wonkette. 13 January 2015.

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